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23 January 2012 @ 08:15 am
So I received an email saying that LJ was going to be purging accounts that are inactive and haven't posted in a while. I'm debating on whether or not I should just be rid of it, but I do read everyone elses.
11 April 2007 @ 08:04 pm
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With an extremely heavy heart and teary eyes I wanted to let it be known that my grandfather, James Doherty passed away this afternoon at 3:25pm. I loved him more than life itself and he meant everything to me. He can finally rest and be at peace. No more suffering. Grandpa, I will love and miss you forever. You were such an inspiration, and I cherished every moment I had with you. I am so proud to be your granddaughter. Your kind and gentle soul will live on forever in myself and my memories as well as everyone who's lives you have touched.

I love you always and forever.
07 February 2007 @ 02:27 pm
Your Birthdate: August 25

Calm and understated, you struggle to express your love with words.
Over time, your partner learns to recognize your passion by the actions you take.
You're good at wooing someone slowly, without them even realizing it!

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2

You are most compatible with people born on the 7th, 16th, and 25th of the month.
29 January 2007 @ 05:43 pm
I'm pretty sure I'm loosing my fucking mind. I've never been the most stable person. I mean, that's pretty fucking obvious to any and everyone who knows me. Especially those who have known me for a while. I feel like I am never ever good enough and I'm always fucking up everything and ruin peoples lives. I wish I didn't see myself like that. I wish I could believe it when people tell me otherwise, ya know?

But no matter what I can't believe them, I shrug it off and accuse THEM of being absolutely fucking insane...but It's all me.

I'm fine; I'm fine
These words are all I have to hide behind.

I am so good at dodging anything meaningful, and I am so good at telling you that I don't need you.
Why would anyone admit to that kind of dependency?
Maybe it's not dependency, maybe it's contribution.
Is that why people fall in love?
Maybe it's not depending on someone for existence, maybe it's that they contribute to your emotional experience as a human being...being a human being sucks.
I can't get past this dependency yet though.

I think that anyone who meets me is better off just walking away while they still have a chance.
I would give anything to erase the past 3 years of my life.

I wasn't always like this. Wait, yes I was. I think?
I can't remember that far, I block it all out.
Or at least I try to.
I shut my mouth and walk away for the stupid fucking memory game.

I grew up way too fast. I skipped from feeling 14 to 34 and missed all of the things I was supposed to feel on the way.
I went from knowing nothing and being scared to having all the answers and grinning as I controlled the world around me. I learned quickly how to manipulate the world to give me what I wanted and discard the useless..but it discarded it, Maybe I mis-evaluated what was important.
Somewhere in-between, I threw myself away.

I learned too many lessons far too fast. I learned from other peoples mistakes and made sure they never happened to me. But in doing so, I cheated myself out of understanding a lot of things. Like feeling. Feeling became a minor detail, and actions drove my life. It drove me away from home, from people I love, and safety.

If I don't fix this now, I'll never bee okay. I'll be one of those old women who talks to herself. I'm already starting to talk to myself (and it's because no one else will listen, and if they will, I'm too scared to ever ask for help). God forbid that I ever admit that I, the self-proclaimed strongest, most rational, smartest, exempt from emotion, most insightful and collected person I know, would need help. How could I? I'm not human. (But heres a secret: I am, and I do).

I must have felt something at some time. The last time I remember feeling anything was when I lost all innocence. We all know what thats like, but we all handled it differently. Clearly I picked the wrong way, and I'm still paying for it.

Something is happening to me. I don't have as much control (over certain things) as I once thought. I feel like I have nothing, since I've made a career out of pushing people away and being secretive about how I genuinely feel, for fear that it might reveal vulnerability.

I'm superwoman! I am unbreakable! (looks like someone found a kryptonite supply)

Hey! Here's your wake up call: "Just because you ask for help doesn't mean you aren't fabulous Just because you don't know everything doesn't mean you aren't smart. Being collected doesn't make you loyal, it makes you boring. And I know you're not collected because everyone I'm friends with has some kind of mental/personality eccentricities.
Dependency is flattering and rationality is a substitute for emotion. Simplicity isn't created, and if it's not already there, you have to deal with all the details. It's not the only way to get an actual solution."
Thank God! I almost kept running around thinking that I can run the world and that I'm amazing at life. (and I am, this is just a speed bump, and I'll be better in the end).

I know that there aren't many people that can help me with this. But at the same time, I can think of quite a few people that might nod in agreement if I were to explain to them. And there are a number of you to whom I owe an apology, or an explanation. Maybe someday I'll sort all this out enough to be able to remember to tell each of you.
For now, all I need is someone to motivate me to keep trying to break down these walls. There's a certain kind of comfort that I can't seem to find. Let me break down for once, and let me stop being the strongest person you know, and let me be irrational, and let me show that I am human and I do have emotion and that I can't be collected all the time (but I can sure try).

I will learn from this.
17 January 2007 @ 03:21 pm
Bah. Does anyone even care to read this anymore?
04 September 2006 @ 01:02 pm

Disturbing to say the lease
27 August 2006 @ 10:47 pm
Friday night was a lot of fun.
First we went to Stadium for $3.50 32oz beers.
Did some shots and got silly.
Afterwards we headed over to another bar nearby and had a dance party.
Got rubbed up on by some men.
Got silly again.
Had a dance party!
Got home at 3:30am.

PicturesCollapse )
27 May 2005 @ 10:45 am

comment to be added.